Years ago, I would constantly compare my career to everyone else around me. I’d scroll LinkedIn late at night and see promotion posts from old coworkers that would send me into a spiral. Their posts made me feel so far behind, even though these former coworkers were in the minority (most people in my circle weren’t getting major promotions).
If you’ve been finding yourself falling into the same comparison habit, you may be wondering: Is this normal, or is there something wrong with me?
Spoiler alert: There’s nothing wrong with you, but constant comparison can be a problem. Let’s fix that.
I Can’t Help but Compare My Career to Everyone Else. is that Normal?
Before you beat yourself up over this, I want you to understand that it’s completely normal to compare yourself to others.
It’s not about being insecure or “not girlboss enough.” It’s basic human wiring.
In 1954, psychologist Leon Festinger proposed what’s called the Social Comparison Theory. The idea is that humans have a basic drive to evaluate their abilities and opinions by comparing themselves to others.
In a way, it’s how we figure out where we fit in the social world.
In ancient times, comparisons were useful. They had survival implications. Higher status typically meant more access to resources, mates and protection. Lower status meant greater vulnerability. For this reason, comparisons tend to have an emotional charge.
Because our “rank” in the social order had survival implications.
Our brains still run on this software, even though it’s less relevant than in ancient times.
And this construct affects all aspects of our lives:
- Careers: We see someone in our circle get a promotion, and that triggers us to assess our own progress. Shouldn’t I be further along by now?
- Relationships: We see friends getting married or entering into new relationships and we find ourselves comparing their relationships to ours. Are we happy enough? Do we do the things other couples do?
- Appearance: Social media constantly bombards us with curated photos and videos that make us compare ourselves to impossible standards.
- Finances: Seeing other people’s lifestyles (cars, vacations, home renovations) triggers financial comparison, even when we don’t have any information about their income or how they afford that lifestyle.
No matter which aspect of your life you’re comparing, it produces a similar feeling: a gap between where you are and where you imagine you should be.
So, yes, it’s normal to compare your career to others. It’s human nature.
Why Career Comparison Hits Differently for Women
For women especially, career comparison can be complicated and, in some cases, toxic.
We have fewer visible templates for what a “good” career path should look like, so we compare ourselves against whoever is nearest. That tends to be our former coworkers, friends and acquaintances. Our relationships with these people can make comparisons even more emotionally charged.
My best friend got that promotion I’ve been vying for for years. What’s wrong with me?
It hits harder when the people in your close circle are moving ahead of you. Suddenly, you feel even more behind.
Beyond that, we tend to look at other women who are progressing in their careers and think, “How are you balancing it all?” Motherhood, careers, home life and social circles. It’s tough to juggle it all, and when we see other women seemingly excelling at it, we feel inferior.
Let’s also not forget the fact that social media compresses everyone’s highlight reel into a single feed. We see just the bits and pieces of these people’s professional lives, and usually, they’re the best parts. Ultimately, we wind up comparing ourselves to glimpses of a person’s professional life. We don’t have the full picture, which distorts everything.
With all that said, comparison isn’t always bad. It can be constructive and even motivational in some cases.
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Useful Comparison vs Corrosive Comparison – Know the Difference
I used to compare my career to others in ways that made me feel terrible about myself. But I noticed that other people in my life were able to make comparisons in a useful and constructive way.
That inspired me to take a similar approach.
It can be okay to compare your career to others if you can avoid making it a corrosive process.
Here’s how to tell the difference:
- Constructive comparisons spark action. They drive you to better yourself. They may even answer questions you want answered and give you clarity on what you really want in your professional life.
- Corrosive comparisons leave you demoralized. You wind up chasing someone else’s definition of success instead of your own. That can leave you feeling lost and unsure of your next steps.
When Comparison Helps You Course-Correct
One of my former coworkers announced they were leaving and moving into a newer, higher-up role in an agency a few towns over.
I felt inspired seeing their progress in such a short amount of time. It moved me to develop new skills and start networking more so that I could get into my dream role faster than the pace I was moving.
This is a case where comparison can be constructive. It helps you course-correct and inspires you to improve yourself.
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When Comparison Makes You Feel Miserable
I used to compare my career with everyone else in a way that made me feel miserable about myself.
Here’s an example. An old coworker of mine left to work for an agency that I was hoping to get a position at. They landed in my dream role, even though I had already been in the industry five years longer than them. It hit me hard. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t get into this role sooner?
I was jealous. I was angry at myself. Neither of these emotions was productive. I was only hurting myself and making myself feel terrible.
In cases like this, comparison is not okay. The saying “comparison is the thief of joy” really does apply here.
How to Reframe Your Comparisons
Comparisons that make you feel miserable must be addressed through positive reframing to be effective and healthy. You can begin reframing your thoughts in a few ways:
- Drop the judgement and get curious. Curiosity encourages a mindset that asks, “What do they know that I don’t?” rather than, “What’s wrong with me that I’m not in their shoes?” Dig deeper into the person’s career progression and you’ll often find that they took intentional steps to reach their goals, which is exactly what I recommend that you do.
- Decide what you really want. Someone might have been in your shoes and went from your position to vice president of the company. On paper, this is a progression that you wish you had, but is it really what you want? Do you want the extra responsibilities and endless hours in the office?
- Mute or unfollow the guilt traps. Sometimes, people are extremely ambitious or are in the right place at the right time, which ends up with them in a career position you are not yet in. If you follow this one, or a few accounts, where you feel immense negative reflection when viewing, it might be time to mute or unfollow them. If you take this step, I remind you not to feel guilty for protecting yourself from the comparison trap in your career.
- Define what a good comparison looks like. What is your “scorecard” for what looks good and bad when comparing someone’s career to your own? If you think good includes looking at the person’s education, social media presence, job history and certifications, then stick to that. Once you start getting down on yourself and deviating from these points, it’s better to walk away and occupy your mind with something else.
- Talk to the person. While this might sound intimidating, it’s one of the healthiest steps that you can take right now. Message the person you’re comparing yourself to and ask them what they did to go from A to B. Often, once you open this dialog with a person, you’ll find that the fantasy of an easy path is far from the reality of the situation.
Reframing your comparisons is one of the healthiest steps you can take when you fall into the whole “comparison is the thief of joy” trap. You deserve to be happy where you are in your career while also pushing forward to reach your goals.
Compare to light a spark in you that is effective rather than get jealous or beat yourself up over not being in the other person’s shoes.
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The Takeaway
Anyone asking, “Why do I compare my career to everyone else?,” should know that this is normal human behavior. We like to see how we stack up against others, but it’s not healthy to sit and dwell on the comparison to the extent that it negatively impacts you.
Comparing your career to others is only healthy when you use the information you gather as a spark to push forward.
Reframe your comparisons, as explained in the section right above this one, and you’ll often realize that there’s more to the person’s “success” than the fantasy that you dreamt up in your head.
